Relationships and Baseball

Iz had a party at his house about a month back. It was around Hari Raya period, so it was sort of a Hari Raya "open house". However, it was also past Hari Raya, so there was no need for green packets. (Just kidding, Iz. We all enjoyed ourselves at your party. Green packets or not. =P)

The main point of me introducing the party was to bring up this Skype conversation we had with H. He happened to be online and we started Skyping to find out when he would return from Aussieland and what our next big project will be. (FYI, this blog started as one of those "big projects", but the 3 contributors gave up. Some just took longer to give up.)

H had just watched a whole documentary series called "Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t!", which tries to argue against certain pre-conceived notions prevalent in the USA. For example, the one episode I watched had them pointing out that the general American public feels that circumcised men will not carry STDs, then arguing that it was bullsh*t. Very candid. H wanted to do a similar documentary series, written, directed and starring us.

H's first suggested topic was "Non-sexual relationships like [myself] and M's is bullshit".

The issue about sex before marriage has been a major discussion point amongst the members of the bachelor's club. It is probably a serious topic that we touch on more than once. Most of the topics that we touch on more than once are more light-hearted. (N will always bring up the topic: "which girl in JC did you think was cute?". C and I will always bring up "[insert name of latest video game fad here]".) As far as I remember, H has always held the stand that sex is a natural progression of relationships. If it goes that way, then it goes that way. I have always held the view that sex should always come after marriage. C, Iz and N are usually indifferent.

H is probably the most "seasoned" member within our Bachelor's club. He's had to drop his membership status and convert to being an "honourary member" several times, if you get what I mean. And it is no secret that he's "done the deed" several times as well. Now that I'm an honourary member as well, he's been egging me to "develop the relationship" in that direction.

Being in a relationship has helped me develop a sense of what I want to achieve from it. Right now, it's about a "strategic partnership". It's like 2 corporations finding common ground and growing together. It's about leveraging on synergistic benefits based on a common vision/mission statement. Decomposed in this way, even warm, fuzzy relationships are cold and calculated in the engineer's mind. As such, M and I try as much as possible to share a common understanding on as many topics as possible. Our goals are not sex; they are of growth of the individual and the relationship. Personally, I'd like to think that it's a longer-term view, that it's about developing our expectations of what a future life partner should be like.

Evolution has wired in the minds of all species the need to reproduce. Logically, if a creature has a gene that doesn't give them the urge to reproduce, the gene will die off with the creature. Evolution has also wired in their minds the best way to ensure the continuity of the species. Fishes generally just lay eggs en masse, kittens can be weaned off their mothers very quickly, but elephants take longer to fend for themselves. Human young take several years of attention before they are mature enough to fend for themselves. Who takes care of the mother while she tends to the young brood?

I choose to believe that the chemicals that are released and the electrical impulses that fire between our synapses while we're building the relationship with a possible other half is meant to ensure that we will stay with each other while bringing the young brood up. The personal growth I talked about earlier prepares us to take on the eventual responsibility of parenting. Developing the relationship toward sex only fulfills the "reproduction" criteria, but developing the relationship towards a common understanding develops the stability required for the "continuity" criteria. So why no sex before marriage? Well, marriage is just a rite of passage to signal to others that we (as a couple) have reached that milestone in life and that we feel stable enough as a couple to bring our kids up on a good environment. Call me a prude, go enjoy your instant gratification of exchanging bodily fluids, but I'm entitled to my opinions.

More disturbing than one person's viewpoint, however, is that it seems like a contagious opinion. C had always been indifferent about this issue, but it seemed to have changed as of last week. We were out having dinner and ribbing one another as an expression of friendship. We told him that 2 years was enough time to befriend a girl and turn it into a meaningful relationship. He directed his retort to me, "What have you done in one year? First base only what!"

Now, the baseball analogy of sexual encounters is quite a popular term within the Bachelor's club, and probably amongst other Singaporean guys too. It almost seems like a contest to "score home runs", whether or not such remarks are said in jest or in all seriousness. With C saying that, it occurred to me that maybe he now sees relationships as a way to "move up the bases", rather than being a special friendship, support network and a search of a possible life partner. Could a relationship just be viewed as an entrance ticket to sexual experimentation? Could this be an isolated incident, or does this indicate the general view of the male population of our demographic?

I choose not to question C's views on this matter. I'm open about the fact that "we're only at first base". I don't impose my views on other people. I'd say it out candidly and argue it logically. To me, a relationship is about life, and not just a game. -Jimmy