A Post for the Sake of One

Read to the end of the post. Then make your own judgment about the picture. No funny captions included.

Ok, I'm trying something that might seem disconcerting to you. But I'm doing it just cos I wanna post my thoughts and dissect them later on. I am going to freeze my thoughts just as they flash across my mind, like some kind of cryogenics experiment.

I'll first begin with the festive season. I read in the papers some days back that for centuries, people have been celebrating at the end of the year. This was even before Christmas was celebrated. Well, so that's where the term "festive season" came from.

However, Christmas this year seemed to be different. It felt cold. It reminded me of a Christmas 2 years ago. (Now comes the disconcerting part. I am torn between typing down what happened 2 years ago and what happened this Christmas. My mind can switch focus between the two in the blink of an eye, but my fingers respond much slower.)

It was a rainy December 2 years ago. (Duh. December's are always rainy.) I was barely 6 months into my stint as a clerk in S1 branch, 6SIR. The audit was approaching in January. I was in-charge of the documents for regimentation and discipline. The Chief Clerk wanted no errors. And I saw that taking leave in December was a big no-no. Everyone in branch knew that. It came as animal instinct for everyone in branch. You had to learn how to read Chiefy or you died. Well, not literally die, but she'll grill you and give you a hard time and make your life in army torture. So we became meteorologists. We learnt to read the weather. Cloudy skies, possibility of rain: lie low, aim for a well-placed comment, maybe. Or perhaps just look like you're really doing your work. Warm sunshine: come out and enjoy it while you can. (I told you it'll be disconcerting.)

Then came the tough part. My family had intended to go back to Indonesia for the yearly/two-yearly trip. It was something I had never missed all my life. I never did understand why we returned to Indonesia. My parents wanted to see their siblings, but my sister and I never did click well with our cousins. Language barrier. However, going to Indonesia does have its perks. Savoury food (read: too salty), big houses, cheap stuff and unexpected surprises. The last time I went back to my parents' hometowns, I learnt how to ride a motorcycle.

So there I was, with a choice before me: enjoy for 2 weeks in Indonesia and regret it for the rest of my army days, or slog for 2 weeks and reap the benefits. (Actually, I think Chiefy wouldn't have let me apply for leave anyway.) So for almost 2 weeks, I returned from camp on weekends to an empty house. I had to do my own laundry, I had to ensure I had enough of the neccessities. I was fine with that. I figured that I could live with the space. I could go out with friends. But the reality was way off. A bit of me felt lost, helpless, lonely. (Confession alert. The following statements might prove disturbing for some. Reader discretion is advised.) I even cried once in the shower.

That was the worst Christmas/New Year combo ever. Worst ever. Worst worst. (Damned English language. Can't they find a word that's worse than worst?) Ok, that was the f*cking worst Christmas/New Year.

Fast forward to this year. My Mom had to undergo a day operation 2 days before Christmas to remove a polyp from her womb. We spent the whole Christmas weekend at home while she recuperated. Thankfully, everything is fine, and New Year was slightly more lively. However, with the rain and other factors, I can't help feeling down myself. I could choose to go out with friends and have fun, but why do I want to stay home with my parents and their less than lively schedules? Maybe it's cos I don't really have friends whom I can really party with? Maybe I'm just afraid of asking someone I don't usually ask out? Maybe what I really want is to be with my parents?

But what's this whole hum-drum, "Oh, pity me, I'm a sad person" persona that's come over me? Why, could it be that school's starting, and we have to get into the daily routine again? Guess not: I keep telling myself that everyone goes thru that, it makes little difference whether you kick and shout when being dragged into it. So brooding me started brooding over what else is causing this humdrum-ness. Is the the notion of "new year"? Isn't "year" a man-made construct, ultimately to give a sense of time in our lives, to peg our lives to it? What's there to be sad about?

{Edit} I just came back from a walk. The thoughts frozen in place before the walk, the numbing sadness... well, they disappeared when I saw the mist hanging above the ground after the rain just now. Then the cool breeze blew past, leaving you feeling refreshed. And with my parents for company, I figured that there isn't time to bother over humdrum-ness. There are too many good things in life to treasure, and these would be a better use of my time. Happy new year, everyone! -Jimmy