Oh Heartless Me

This post is dedicated to my dear Grandpa "Gong" and my uncle "Om Kokoh".

I found out last week that my mother's younger brother had just died. He had suffered a stroke a week earlier. When she told me about his death, I was still having my dinner and watching some old VCDs. So I raised an eyebrow at her and asked, "Oh, is it?"

It bothers me how I feel so detached about my uncle's death. It scares me that it might be a reflection of my feelings towards death.

In my defence, let me state that I have spent more time in university than all the time I spent with him combined. That's something bad about just having the nuclear family staying in Singapore while the rest of the extended family is still in Indonesia. Add to the fact that I have not returned to my parents' hometowns since I enlisted, I think I can safely say that I've grown detached from my extended family. Perhaps this apathic nature can be traced to this detachment.

But am I really detached from him? He was the same uncle who always carried with him a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and a pack of "Pagoda" mints. He was the uncle who gave a wide smile and a nod as a greeting, his long hair seemingly dancing with a life of their own after the nod. How come I don't feel attached to these fond memories?

My father told me that the only people you truly want to say goodbye to are the people who have passed away. And it makes sense. Do you say goodbye to your everyday friend? No, cos you assume that you'll see them again soon. Do you say goodbye to someone who's migrating to another country? No, cos you assume that either one of you can visit the other. Do you say goodbye to a terminally-ill person on the deathbed? Probably, but you secretly hope that you can see him/her again the next day. Normal goodbyes are merely "see you laters".

Then, when a person leaves this world (hopefully to a happier place), everyone realises that so many things have been left unsaid. Everything that you truly want to say would fall on unhearing ears. Even your tears fall on dead skin. And that is when you truly want to say goodbye. But you can't.

So what's the point in all this? Well, I guess it's just like what the chain letters say. "Treasure each day as if it were your last." But also, I guess it's about saying goodbye in your hearts. The deceased do not hear your cries or other outpourings of emotions. (Their spirit or soul or ethereal form might, but that's a totally different argument.) Ultimately, you have to deal with the pain or anguish yourself. And this is when you say goodbye. Keep the good memories, remember their little legacies, but say goodbye to them. -Jimmy