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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Mary and Bar Bar in The Bedbug Bitterness

The Girl casually carried her little girl's bag. She was humming a tune to a nursery rhyme, but she wasn't quite sure which one, because all the nursery rhymes seemed to have the same tune. Didn't the Alphabet song have the same tune as Twinkle twinkle? It was late at night, definitely not a time for a little girl to be out alone. But she wasn't alone.

Following exactly three paces behind was a sheep, one as black as the night. The sheep would follow her everywhere she went; the Girl couldn't imagine her life without him. However, despite his unfailing loyalty, he wasn't exactly in the best of moods.

"Sir, I don't understand why I have to pretend to be a normal sheep following you around. Firstly, it's already abnormal that a sheep would follow you around everywhere and more importantly, it's not very comfortable for my opposable thumbs."

The Girl stopped humming, but continued her girly skipping. "Bar Bar, there are some things people just cannot accept. Opposable thumbs on sheep are fine, but one that talks and is bipedal just doesn't cut it. Now, we both know how important this assignment is, so please be a nicety and stick to the plan?"

Bar Bar the black sheep muttered, "Yes, sir. Who gives us these assignments anyway? Do you even know who sends you those little strips of paper that appear in your doll house?"

"Bar Bar, you do understand that The Agency is the one behind all this, including their gift of a bipedal, loyal and well-trained sheep. Our job has always been to better the lives of the general public and for tonight, Yeetchee Soft Toys will have to clean up their act, literally."

The duo approached a huge factory building nestled in the industrial estate complex. The guard manning the post at the gate was fast asleep, so the Girl crawled under the gate arm. The black sheep simply trod on as normal. As The Agency had reported, the factory lines were still open and the CEO's office looked occupied. Everyone working the graveyard shift was so zoned out that they didn't notice the girl and her sheep stealthily making their way up to the CEO's office.

The Girl simply tugged the door handle and pushed the door open, as if she knew that it wasn't locked. The CEO's office was pretty huge, which is pretty much what you expect from someone who controls the daily operations of a million-dollar business. His tie was drooped low as he went through the last few of the monthly reports. He looked up as the girl barged in and in his surprise, only managed to utter a weak, "What?"

The Girl stopped 2 paces short of the table and waited for her trusty sidekick to nudge the door shut. Then she began, "Hi! I'm Mary Hadd, and this is my close companion, Bar Bar. I don't mean to be rude intruding this way, but I need to highlight that the soft toys your factories are churning out are riddled with bedbugs. Thousands of children who buy your toys end up with itchy rashes everyday."

The CEO nudged his silent alarm while he answered, "Girly, it's late at night, where do you stay? I'll get someone to send you home."

"Sir, I have a name. Please call me Mary. Also, I will not budge until you agree to stop production for a week for the fumigators to clean out your factory processes and for the Environment Agency to come in to give the all clear."
"Alright, Mary. I have no idea what you're talking about. This factory isn't where you belong and I have people ready to throw you out."
"Please, sir. We both know that a fifth of your staff have come down with bedbug bites over the past week. It's on one of the reports you just read." Mary innocently pointed at the pile of reports on his desk.
The CEO gulped and tried to hide it, but Mary's eyes spotted it.
"There's no way I'm closing my factory lines for a week. Yeetchee toys are the most popular cuddlies in the market! A week's disruption to production will affect our bottom line! Our lean inventory will not allow for it!" He had obviously started talking as if to an adult, but Mary Hadd was no ordinary girl in the first place.

Bar Bar's ears detected the disturbance outside first. "Sir, we have company." Mary took off her bag and lobbed it over to Bar Bar, who stood up to catch it. He deftly unzipped the bag (thanks to his opposable thumb) and reached in.

The CEO was dumbfounded. Here he had a girl who knew so much about his company and will not budge until he agreed to stop production and her sheep companion could talk and move like any human.

Bar Bar drew out a Tippmann X7 marker from the little bag. This made the CEO tense up slightly and the reaction was not lost on Bar Bar. He grinned, "Relax, matey. It's a paintball marker." Then, turning to Mary, he grumbled, "I thought I specifically asked for the G36 mod for this thing? No one will take me seriously if I carry what looks like an MP5SD!"

Mary had had her innocent gaze locked on the CEO all this while, but she allowed it to drift to Bar Bar momentarily. "The G36 doesn't look girly! What if I need to wield the pepper gun? I won't look like a girl with a G36!"

Bar Bar waved his hand dismissively while he turned to walk out to the corridor, deadpanning, "Sir, we both know you have no idea how to handle firearms. Knock sense into this dude quick; I'm hungry for my supper."

Once he opened the door, Bar Bar made out the number of guards approaching from their footsteps. "They brought in a lot of people. Must be one of the few times they could prove their worth." He dropped to a knee and waited for them to come within range of his marker. The special pepper cartridges loaded in the hopper was sure to make anyone cough and tear.

Pleased that Bar Bar had her back covered, Mary asked again, "Sir, will you agree to shut the factory lines?"
Seeing that he was shocked with the turn of events, she stepped forward and banged the tabletop. This immediately drew his attention back on her. She giggled and continued, "So far, Yeetchee has been very deft at denying any responsibility, but I have letters ready to be sent out to anonymously tip-off all major newspaper, television networks and magazines. You know I'm not lying. Little girls will never lie."

The CEO blinked, tried very hard to swallow and finally gave a weak nod. Mary's face immediately lit up as she broke into a wide smile. "I knew you'd be co-operative! Thank you, sir!"

At the same time, Bar Bar walked into the room, the X7 held casually across his shoulders. "Sir, peppered them enough to dry out their tear ducts for the next few hours, but no permanent damage done. Of course you know how paintballs bruise and sting... I couldn't help but shoot them at their... ahem... critical areas."

Mary happily picked up her bag and pulled out a grappling gun. She reported excitedly, "He agreed! We're done here! Can you use this for exit plan London Bridge?"
Bar Bar sighed as he heaved the grappling gun from her hand. "Sir, the grappling gun escape is plan Little Star, not London Bridge."
Mary giggled, "You're so cute, Bar Bar. I love you."

Bar Bar opened the office window, took aim and fired the grappling gun. Securing his end, he turned to Mary. "We're all set to go, sir. Hang on to me." After ensuring that Mary was holding on tight, he threw a playful salute at the bewildered CEO and disappeared into the darkness.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

League of Extraordinary Superheroes

Iron Man: Laborious Laundryman
"Spray starch and steam works wonders on those wrinkled clothes."

Hansel Gretel: Androgynous Adventurer
"Who cleared the cookies from my GPS navigator?"

Mary and Bar Bar: Girl and destructive sheep
"Bar Bar, will you follow me everywhere I go?" "Yes, sir. Yes, sir."

Spiderman: Anxious Arachnid
"What time's the appointment again? Aren't we supposed to be making a move by now? Am I dressed for the occasion? I'm so worked up I'm sweating silk!"

The Flash, Green Lantern and Human Torch: Individuals of Illumination
"Batteries not included"

Twinkle: Cheeky Celestial
"You wonder how I am? I'll show you the diamond of the sky."

This: Aged Neurotic Numerophile
"Would you like me to play knick-knack on your thumb?"

Hickory, Dickory and Dock: The trinity of clocks
"That mouse just ran over my erogenous zones!" -Jimmy